The Five Best Mindfulness Techniques to Teach Your Child This Holiday Season

 [Note: This is satire. If if you are a spoiled privileged Hollywood schmuck like Dave Chappelle, you will struggle with the concept. But I assure you some people still enjoy satire.]

 

Kids. If you’re a parent, you’re sick of them and their obsessions with smart devices, gaming platforms, and alternative pronouns. This holiday season, you may long for a return to simpler times, with real conversations, ones where your family looked down at their plates rather than at their phone. That sacred time not so long ago, before Millennials killed plates, napkins, and dinner tables.

 

The solution?

 

According to celebrity guru Raynbow Adityavardhana, the solution is mindfulness, a practice based on ancient Buddhist traditions. In spite of its origins in Eastern religion, Adityavardhana has trained and guided Western clients as diverse as Gwyneth Paltrow, Oprah Winfrey, Madonna, and Joe Rogan in the practice. In Adityavardhana’s definition, mindfulness is a mode of being that leads to authentically present conversations and states of being. It is surprisingly easy for a layperson to adapt mindfulness techniques into their lives. Purely anecdotal evidence suggests that daily practice of at least three of the following techniques can reduce depression and sharpen focus. Just what we need for the stressful holiday season!

 

Below are five mindfulness techniques to try with your family this holiday season.

 

Staring at a Blank Wall: It’s easy! When your child is away at school, move all of their belongings to storage. Leave only the blank walls. (Remove any posters and art.) Lock your child in their room with instructions to stare at the blank wall until the pictures appear. This will force your child to use their imagination rather than their phone! Plus, it will save on electricity and give you and your boo more time to watch the latest “adult” Netflix option.

 

Cleaning the Bathroom with Purpose: Having your child clean the bathroom may seem like a chore to them, but not when they do it with purpose! Have them concentrate on each task. Spray the foaming bubbles slowly on the countertop. Become one with the toilet brush. Scrub each shower tile individually. This is a great way to grab some more Netflix time with boo as your child learns the value of scrubbing.

 

Raisin for Dinner: Does your child not appreciate the food you work so hard to have DoorDash deliver? In that case, Adityavardhana suggests the Raisin for Dinner activity. Have your child select one raisin from a package at dinner time. They should contemplate the raisin with sight, sound, and touch before journaling their experience. After this, they hold the raisin in their mouth for the entire duration of dinner time. This concludes with more journaling on what it was like to experience a raisin for dinner.

 

Mindful Listening: What young person hasn’t wondered what it would be like to live as a cloistered monk? Now, they can have a taste of what it was like to be one, thanks to new technology from Yondr, the company behind those wonderful “cell phone free spaces.” The product, called the Yondr Scold’s Bridle, safely locks up your child’s mouth while allowing them to see, breathe, and hear. Adityavardhana suggests starting with small durations of use, before working up to an entire afternoon, or even a day. This allows your child to practice listening to others in a mindful fashion, without focusing on electronic distractions.

 

Mindful Scribing: Isn’t it telling that Generation Z can make up all this fan fiction and “alternative pronouns” nonsense, but can’t even write their name in cursive or read the script? In Adityavardhana’s latest book, Mindful Brush Pen, she details exercises in the ancient Buddhist art of scribing. Your child will learn to make their own brush, ink, and paper. After this, they can move on to writing mantras in Palmer Script—just like you did in elementary school before computers ruined everything! Remember when your teacher said your neat handwriting would take you far? Well, that didn’t happen, but it can keep your child busy for weeks on end. After the mantras are completed, burn them to teach the lesson of how all existence is transient and impermanent. 

 

The Take-Away:

 

Using these simple techniques will help your child learn to pay attention without distractions. They will learn to be the compliant, obedient, and quiet children you always dreamed of having. And don’t you deserve that? I mean, if you had done half of the things your kid does in an hour, your father would have pulled out the strap and beat you to a pulp. But now, kids are so soft! They have emotions, and they want to express them unfettered. The next time your kid starts in on that emotion-laden crap about “This is against the law” or “Please stop screaming, I’m studying” nonsense, take Adityavardhana’s advice on emotions: Emotions are ephemeral and transient. The only way to get rid of them is more mindfulness!

[Second note: This is satire.]

 

 

 

 

 

Dave Chappelle Visits His Former Kindergarten—Receives Mixed Response from Students and Adults

(Dez Newz D.C. Staff Writer)

November 28, 2021

[Satire]

Caption: A kindergartener’s sketch of the assembly featuring Chappelle.

 

Celebrated comedian Dave Chappelle returned to his Kindergarten alma mater at Rosa Parks Elementary School in Washington, D. C. last Friday to hand out free candy canes and perform a special comedy set for two classes gathered during an assembly. Although the comedian has donated $5,000 to the school over the past five years, reaction to his visit was mixed.

 

As is customary during his live shows, Chappelle requested all smart devices be locked in Yondr pouches to prevent illegal recordings. However, the comedian faced criticism for bringing his own camera crew, and indeed for bringing the Yondr pouches.

 

“I tried to explain that kindergarteners don’t have phones,” said a staff member who spoke with our reporters under a condition of anonymity, fearing backlash from Chappelle and his fans. “And even if they did, how on Earth would they make a bootleg recording? Most of them can’t read yet!”

 

To this, Chappelle allegedly responded, “B—h, is you tryna censor this n—a? ‘Cause I will not be silenced by this here n—a transgender!”

 

“I tried to tell him none of the staff was transgender, including me,” she continued. “But he thought differently because we wouldn’t show him our vaginas.”

 

According to reports from parent volunteers and staff, Chappelle took the stage, propped up his foot on a nearby podium for no reason, and lit up a cigarette. He then allegedly shouted, “Any y’all n—as got a problem with me?! Get you b—h asses up here if you got a problem with me!”

 

This was met with yelling, crying, and even some booing from the young audience. Adults, including school principal Ima Bootlicker, selected a number of students to “engage in conversation” with Chappelle.

 

“Overall, it went well,” Principal Bootlicker shared. “Cancel culture is an important conversation these kids need to have. They were all like, ‘Smoking is bad!’ and ‘You shouldn’t say the ‘n’ word.’ Dave explained to the children that he would not be silenced, that this was his body, and that he thought it was telling that you couldn’t say the ‘n’ word with a soft ‘r,’ but that you could shoot a n—a in the street. Unfortunately, a female student became so terrified—just by his words, mind you—that she peed her pants. This started a round of crying. A majority sided with Dave, however, a silent majority. They were silenced by the crybaby whiners.”

 

A student who was present at the assembly had a different opinion. “I tolded him he was a bad, mean man!” he said. “I said he should be more like Big Bird!”

 

Chappelle was then alleged to have retorted, “B-h, I’m bigger than that n—a Big Bird! I’m bigger and better than all y’all. I can read better than you, I can play Minecraft better than you, and I can finger paint better than you. With all due respect, you little punk ass h-s could not make one of the decisions I make each day! Now, maybe that will change and later you will be household names. But for right now, I’m the GOAT.”

 

This comment caused a heckler to counter, “Yes, because we choose not to be poo poo heads! We want to be kind to everybody!”

 

Some students who stayed behind said that Chapelle was “nicer” after the assembly, even offering them cigarettes, edibles, and Jack Daniels from a flask with the comedian’s face on it. 

 

“He said he loved us,” one student recalled. “I don’t know why he was so mean before. He said he could show me h-s on his phone, but my Big Momma said I couldn’t look.”

 

A small amount of parents and guardians disagreed with the school’s decision to host Chappelle, including the aforementioned Big Momma.

 

“Who in the hell thought this was appropriate for kids?” she questioned. “I had to run out of my house in the middle of my soap opera after I got a last minute text about this thing. I had to miss the part where Marlena, who is possessed by the Devil, tries to strangle Abe while Paulina hits her with a black Santa statue. And John is still stabbed. And Susan the bucktooth redneck gal is a cat again. I had to miss all this because of that fool. Who even talks like that in front of babies? We don’t even allow those words in our home. We are a Christian family! He tried to show a six-year-old something he called Pornhub. That does not sound godly or respectful.”

 

Chappelle’s press agent and producer Clara Sims reported the comedian later shared the kids “got an ‘F’ that was brought to them by the letter ‘forgiveness.’” She was not able to further explain this comment, except to say it was “genius.” Chappelle himself could not be reached for immediate comment. Rosa Parks Elementary School plans to still move forward with its decision to paint the auditorium with a mural of the comedian dressed as his character Tyrone Biggums, the world’s most beloved crackhead.

 

UPDATE: Dez Newz received a text from Dave Chappelle shortly after the publication of this article, reading: “Forgiveness is like that one transgender Lil Jezebel on Only Fans. It has a paywall before you can see it naked.” His publicist Clara Sims could not be reached for comment.