[Note: This is satire. If if you are a spoiled privileged Hollywood schmuck like Dave Chappelle, you will struggle with the concept. But I assure you some people still enjoy satire.]
Kids. If you’re a parent, you’re sick of them and their obsessions with smart devices, gaming platforms, and alternative pronouns. This holiday season, you may long for a return to simpler times, with real conversations, ones where your family looked down at their plates rather than at their phone. That sacred time not so long ago, before Millennials killed plates, napkins, and dinner tables.
The solution?
According to celebrity guru Raynbow Adityavardhana, the solution is mindfulness, a practice based on ancient Buddhist traditions. In spite of its origins in Eastern religion, Adityavardhana has trained and guided Western clients as diverse as Gwyneth Paltrow, Oprah Winfrey, Madonna, and Joe Rogan in the practice. In Adityavardhana’s definition, mindfulness is a mode of being that leads to authentically present conversations and states of being. It is surprisingly easy for a layperson to adapt mindfulness techniques into their lives. Purely anecdotal evidence suggests that daily practice of at least three of the following techniques can reduce depression and sharpen focus. Just what we need for the stressful holiday season!
Below are five mindfulness techniques to try with your family this holiday season.
Staring at a Blank Wall: It’s easy! When your child is away at school, move all of their belongings to storage. Leave only the blank walls. (Remove any posters and art.) Lock your child in their room with instructions to stare at the blank wall until the pictures appear. This will force your child to use their imagination rather than their phone! Plus, it will save on electricity and give you and your boo more time to watch the latest “adult” Netflix option.
Cleaning the Bathroom with Purpose: Having your child clean the bathroom may seem like a chore to them, but not when they do it with purpose! Have them concentrate on each task. Spray the foaming bubbles slowly on the countertop. Become one with the toilet brush. Scrub each shower tile individually. This is a great way to grab some more Netflix time with boo as your child learns the value of scrubbing.
Raisin for Dinner: Does your child not appreciate the food you work so hard to have DoorDash deliver? In that case, Adityavardhana suggests the Raisin for Dinner activity. Have your child select one raisin from a package at dinner time. They should contemplate the raisin with sight, sound, and touch before journaling their experience. After this, they hold the raisin in their mouth for the entire duration of dinner time. This concludes with more journaling on what it was like to experience a raisin for dinner.
Mindful Listening: What young person hasn’t wondered what it would be like to live as a cloistered monk? Now, they can have a taste of what it was like to be one, thanks to new technology from Yondr, the company behind those wonderful “cell phone free spaces.” The product, called the Yondr Scold’s Bridle, safely locks up your child’s mouth while allowing them to see, breathe, and hear. Adityavardhana suggests starting with small durations of use, before working up to an entire afternoon, or even a day. This allows your child to practice listening to others in a mindful fashion, without focusing on electronic distractions.
Mindful Scribing: Isn’t it telling that Generation Z can make up all this fan fiction and “alternative pronouns” nonsense, but can’t even write their name in cursive or read the script? In Adityavardhana’s latest book, Mindful Brush Pen, she details exercises in the ancient Buddhist art of scribing. Your child will learn to make their own brush, ink, and paper. After this, they can move on to writing mantras in Palmer Script—just like you did in elementary school before computers ruined everything! Remember when your teacher said your neat handwriting would take you far? Well, that didn’t happen, but it can keep your child busy for weeks on end. After the mantras are completed, burn them to teach the lesson of how all existence is transient and impermanent.
The Take-Away:
Using these simple techniques will help your child learn to pay attention without distractions. They will learn to be the compliant, obedient, and quiet children you always dreamed of having. And don’t you deserve that? I mean, if you had done half of the things your kid does in an hour, your father would have pulled out the strap and beat you to a pulp. But now, kids are so soft! They have emotions, and they want to express them unfettered. The next time your kid starts in on that emotion-laden crap about “This is against the law” or “Please stop screaming, I’m studying” nonsense, take Adityavardhana’s advice on emotions: Emotions are ephemeral and transient. The only way to get rid of them is more mindfulness!
[Second note: This is satire.]
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