(Dez Newz D.C. Staff Writer)
November 28, 2021
[Satire]
Celebrated comedian Dave Chappelle returned to his Kindergarten alma mater at Rosa Parks Elementary School in Washington, D. C. last Friday to hand out free candy canes and perform a special comedy set for two classes gathered during an assembly. Although the comedian has donated $5,000 to the school over the past five years, reaction to his visit was mixed.
As is customary during his live shows, Chappelle requested all smart devices be locked in Yondr pouches to prevent illegal recordings. However, the comedian faced criticism for bringing his own camera crew, and indeed for bringing the Yondr pouches.
“I tried to explain that kindergarteners don’t have phones,” said a staff member who spoke with our reporters under a condition of anonymity, fearing backlash from Chappelle and his fans. “And even if they did, how on Earth would they make a bootleg recording? Most of them can’t read yet!”
To this, Chappelle allegedly responded, “B—h, is you tryna censor this n—a? ‘Cause I will not be silenced by this here n—a transgender!”
“I tried to tell him none of the staff was transgender, including me,” she continued. “But he thought differently because we wouldn’t show him our vaginas.”
According to reports from parent volunteers and staff, Chappelle took the stage, propped up his foot on a nearby podium for no reason, and lit up a cigarette. He then allegedly shouted, “Any y’all n—as got a problem with me?! Get you b—h asses up here if you got a problem with me!”
This was met with yelling, crying, and even some booing from the young audience. Adults, including school principal Ima Bootlicker, selected a number of students to “engage in conversation” with Chappelle.
“Overall, it went well,” Principal Bootlicker shared. “Cancel culture is an important conversation these kids need to have. They were all like, ‘Smoking is bad!’ and ‘You shouldn’t say the ‘n’ word.’ Dave explained to the children that he would not be silenced, that this was his body, and that he thought it was telling that you couldn’t say the ‘n’ word with a soft ‘r,’ but that you could shoot a n—a in the street. Unfortunately, a female student became so terrified—just by his words, mind you—that she peed her pants. This started a round of crying. A majority sided with Dave, however, a silent majority. They were silenced by the crybaby whiners.”
A student who was present at the assembly had a different opinion. “I tolded him he was a bad, mean man!” he said. “I said he should be more like Big Bird!”
Chappelle was then alleged to have retorted, “B-h, I’m bigger than that n—a Big Bird! I’m bigger and better than all y’all. I can read better than you, I can play Minecraft better than you, and I can finger paint better than you. With all due respect, you little punk ass h-s could not make one of the decisions I make each day! Now, maybe that will change and later you will be household names. But for right now, I’m the GOAT.”
This comment caused a heckler to counter, “Yes, because we choose not to be poo poo heads! We want to be kind to everybody!”
Some students who stayed behind said that Chapelle was “nicer” after the assembly, even offering them cigarettes, edibles, and Jack Daniels from a flask with the comedian’s face on it.
“He said he loved us,” one student recalled. “I don’t know why he was so mean before. He said he could show me h-s on his phone, but my Big Momma said I couldn’t look.”
A small amount of parents and guardians disagreed with the school’s decision to host Chappelle, including the aforementioned Big Momma.
“Who in the hell thought this was appropriate for kids?” she questioned. “I had to run out of my house in the middle of my soap opera after I got a last minute text about this thing. I had to miss the part where Marlena, who is possessed by the Devil, tries to strangle Abe while Paulina hits her with a black Santa statue. And John is still stabbed. And Susan the bucktooth redneck gal is a cat again. I had to miss all this because of that fool. Who even talks like that in front of babies? We don’t even allow those words in our home. We are a Christian family! He tried to show a six-year-old something he called Pornhub. That does not sound godly or respectful.”
Chappelle’s press agent and producer Clara Sims reported the comedian later shared the kids “got an ‘F’ that was brought to them by the letter ‘forgiveness.’” She was not able to further explain this comment, except to say it was “genius.” Chappelle himself could not be reached for immediate comment. Rosa Parks Elementary School plans to still move forward with its decision to paint the auditorium with a mural of the comedian dressed as his character Tyrone Biggums, the world’s most beloved crackhead.
UPDATE: Dez Newz received a text from Dave Chappelle shortly after the publication of this article, reading: “Forgiveness is like that one transgender Lil Jezebel on Only Fans. It has a paywall before you can see it naked.” His publicist Clara Sims could not be reached for comment.
